First of all, I’m not entirely sold on the title of this post, but a musical reference was needed and calling this “Drinkn’stein” wouldn’t have made any sense when I’m a teetotaler. (If you’re already lost, that’s probably a good thing; it means you’ve wasted far less of your life than some of us have watching Rhinestone, Dolly Parton’s magnum opus.) I thought I’d try to write here again tonight just to keep myself honest ahead of the next review. But I don’t have a particular subject in mind, nor do I have enough time to dash off a vignette, so let’s hit a few topics before winding our way back to the memories that light the corners of our minds.
After we returned from an Asian supermarket jaunt this evening (as always, I perused the kookiest varieties of potato chip flavors), Crankenstein turned on the TV and there was Barbara Barrie. Instead of bellowing “Barbara Berman!” like my grandfather taught me, I all but exclaimed “Colostomy!” She’s been enshrined in the ostomy hall of fame that exists only in my head — alongside Frasier’s John Mahoney — ever since publishing Don’t Die of Embarrassment: Life After Colostomy and Other Adventures in the ’90s. My ileostomy was only temporary but it was a miserable experience and one I fear reliving if my j-pouch fails. Anyone willing to discuss theirs publicly has guts to spare (figuratively speaking).
Next we’ll segue inartfully from intestines to imagination. It occurs to me that if you read yesterday’s post and are unfamiliar with current LEGO offerings, you might think I’m hankering to build something simple and childish. But I’m interested in the typewriter and Polaroid camera, both of which were designed for adults. To test the waters I’ll start with a smaller diversion, like Modern Art or Bonsai Tree, that can be easily passed along to a neighbor once we’re done with it. Of course, my inner child would also be pleased as punch to complete the Home Alone kit, which clocks in at almost 4,000 pieces, so long as Crankenstein doesn’t demand parity in the form of the Lord of the Rings: Rivendell set that probably costs more than our house.*
As for dioramas, which I also mentioned wanting to create, most of my ideas involve TV shows, books and movies. Among the easiest to complete will be a tribute to John Waters (and no, it won’t include any pink flamingos). But there are also a few personal memories I’d like to preserve, like the day Crankenstein and I brought Muriel home or hanging out with Papa in his basement lair. And some almost-memories as well, like a Smoky Mountains retirement cabin that wasn’t meant to be. Tucked away within these scenes will be arcane details like a tiny statue of Jesco White, a 1:12 scale box of Junket in the kitchen, a eucalyptus potted plant in the bedroom, and a miniature t-shirt that says “Sid & Nancy” above an image of Dolly Parton and Sylvester ‘Drinkn’stein’ Stallone in Rhinestone.
In Papa’s basement there’d be a turtle somewhere, maybe depicted in a painting sticking out of a cardboard box, because the way Papa pronounced ‘turtle’ — it was very slow and somber — made his grandkids laugh. And the magazines stacked around his chair would be marked in pen, because one of his many eccentricities was looking for patterns in any text he read and tabulating a score for each page based on what he found.** There aren’t many people who’d understand some of these allusions, and whatever I produce will eventually end up in a landfill anyway. But at the risk of sounding like an uncharacteristically New Age-y Robert Mitchum, “Baby, I don’t care.” It’s the intention that matters, and mine is for what I’ve loved the most, no matter how trivial, to live on somewhere in the world even after I forget it.
* My concern about Crankenstein attempting the Rivendell set isn’t money. It’s the same as hers: her short attention span and the furious speed with which she misplaces things.
** There was a magazine that was his magazine, one he loved above all others, that Crankenstein was featured in before we met. We threw out hundreds of issues after he died and hers was probably one of them. It would’ve been neat to see his markup of that article, so maybe that’ll also make it into the diorama.