Though I’m sure you’re all dying to hear about the trekking poles that finally arrived today (and whether I’ve managed to impale myself on one yet), there is nothing to report — nothing, that is, other than I’m sick of having to prise open recalcitrant objects with undexterous hands. It started a couple years ago with a bottle of Natrol liquid melatonin that I fought with nightly, Crankenstein sometimes lowering her book to bemusedly behold my struggle.
She had no trouble opening it herself, and apparently few others in North America did, either, because after encountering the same difficulty with two or three bottles in a row, I wrote to the company to express frustration with the caps. They responded apologetically via email and asked for my postal address so they could send manufacturer’s coupons, a kind gesture that I ignored rather than reply “Thanks for the generous offer of additional bottles I can’t open. They’ll look great in my closet next to the one I just complained about.”
The problem was with me, of course, not the cap, and in the three years since then I’ve encountered similar situations with countless products. Last week it was nasal spray I couldn’t uncap; before that I was stymied by the cutesy packaging around each individual piece of miniature Tupperware I’d purchased for a recreation of my grandparents’ kitchen. This afternoon I labored pathetically to unlock the poles and adjust their height, but I have veered so dangerously off-topic that I’ve not yet addressed this week’s biggest challenge (so far): screencapping “The Return of Auntie V.”
Janis Paige’s Aunt Viv changes outfits about 800 times in this episode, and for her grand entrance she’s dressed like a half-cooked grilled cheese. As usual, she’s wearing slightly less costume jewelry than Mr. T and immediately settles in with a drink. If “V is for Vivian” was a sartorial sprint, “The Return of Auntie V” (S2E12) is a marathon — and so was the creation of this gallery.
Darth Vivian — the mask was a gift for Nicholas — is fed up with her wealthy German husband, Horst, spending all his time at the Grand Prix, so she’s taken a job as a cruise director for an upscale ocean liner. Nancy (Dianne Kay), meanwhile, is struggling with community college, and Viv proposes taking eight weeks off school to travel the seas and visit the French Riviera together.*
V’s bottomless suitcase allows her to easily match her wardrobe to her surroundings — we saw it in the restaurant scene last time she visited, and again here when she blends right in with her hotel suite.
As a wedding gift for Tom and Abby, Viv proposes a new start in a palatial Tudor Revival, funded partly by the fortune she shares with Horst. Her clothing is all over the place in this episode and frequently errs on the matronly side, which reflects a midlife crisis of sorts. In 2024, a character like V would dress like Jennifer Coolidge in White Lotus.
Mary again served heaping helpings of big ol’ lesbian in a purple plaid-ish button-down, and you’ll note that Viv’s hair is more relaxed in this episode, swallowing none of Paige’s accessories.
Since her newsboy cap is reminiscent of AC/DC’s Brian Johnson, and because one of my secret speech therapy goals is to resume screeching “You Shook Me All Night Long” (quite terribly) in the shower, I’ve reworked its lyrics in tribute to Eight is Enough. Feel free to sing along: “V was a fast machine/She kept her sequins clean/She was the damn best Auntie that they ever seen.”
The Bradford colonial goes on the market as the family ambivalently prepares to move, attracting attention from some oddball prospective buyers. This subplot, which also involves a caddish realtor whose wooing of Nancy feels like an episode of Dateline: To Catch a Predator, is uninspired all-around.
Viv’s simplest look comes in the rare scene Paige doesn’t overplay…
… And her sassiest accompanies so much scenery-chewing (that’s Horst she’s angrily advancing toward on moving day) that one hopes her waistband was elastic. I love that all of this was written for Paige — and that she had such an appreciative audience for Horst’s arrival — but it should’ve been polished until it sparkled like V’s jacket, because the Bradfords’ passivity in this episode doesn’t make a whit of sense. Unfortunately, this is the last we’ll see of her until season four; the costume budget might’ve needed time to recover.
* Sadly, this spawned no two-parter in which Nancy discovers the “I’ve Never Been to Me” lifestyle or poses as Lady Eve Sidwich to con a nerdy rich guy.