By the start of its fourth season in 1979, Eight is Enough was struggling with how to reorient itself. Most of the Bradford ‘kids’ were now adults and its dramedy formula, which previously favored comedy, began emphasizing turgidly dramatic plots and two-part episodes: Susan and Merle’s separation, Tom’s estrangement from his father, Mary’s doomed affair with a married man.*
Within that dreary context, “The Night They Raided Bradfords” played like a slapstick fever dream, all zany hijinks fueled by wild contrivances and foolish misunderstandings. There are no two ways about it, it’s one of the dumbest TV episodes I’ve seen in my life, and it probably made me groan as much as I laughed. That might be why I liked it — it’s perversely enjoyable.
A loose takeoff of The Night They Raided Minsky’s, “Bradfords” follows Merle’s older sister, Linda Mae Stockwell (Sondra West), a skittish farm girl who has reluctantly traveled to Sacramento from Arkansas to spend a week with the newlyweds. When a line drive to the noggin sends Merle to the ER, Mary collects her from the bus depot in Susan’s stead and drops her at the Bradford house before heading to a cardiopulmonary study group — a detail that’s important later.
Their arrival coincides with that of Tommy’s reprobate bandmates, who roar up on motorbikes. “That’s just the gang my brother plays with,” Mary cheerily explains, and Linda Mae, who assumes everyone in California’s a criminal, takes her literally. She’s further scandalized to find Tom and David playing poker with friends, which reminds me of the time Crankenstein’s most puritanical aunts disapproved of Irish coffee at a baby shower. (“That’s code for alcohol!” one of them whispered.)
Wherever Linda Mae looks, she finds evidence of a criminal conspiracy or something otherwise disreputable: Abby, plagued by hiccups, tries a liquid remedy at Janet’s urging and appears to drunkenly pass out; Elizabeth’s poli-sci homework about dark horse candidates is misinterpreted as illegal betting; Joanie attempts to recruit a rhythmless Nancy as a chorus girl for a production of Gypsy and shouts encouragement like “Sell yourself!” as they practice choreography while dressed like streetwalkers.
“Well, I have to tell you, Mama, they’re a little different,” Linda Mae drawls during one of her urgent calls home. “Let’s just say they’re not exactly the kind of people you could take to a church social in Siloam Springs.” Goofy tuba or trombone music accompanies many of West’s exaggerated expressions of shock and disgust, just in case the humor wasn’t already broad enough.
Her madcap confusion snowballs as Joanie, at David’s behest, pulls pantyhose over her head to deliver a “special hiccup cure” to an unsuspecting Abby, and Mary returns home with a life-size CPR dummy. Then there’s Nicholas, who recently acquired a deck of marked cards and a malevolent-looking ventriloquist’s dummy; his gratuitously creepy breathing after introducing the dummy to Linda Mae made me laugh much harder than it should have.
After witnessing enough weirdness to fear for her life, Linda Mae flees and summons the police. “Mama, they’re gamblers! They’re drinkers, Mama! They’re ladies of the evening, Mama! I even think they committed a murder!” she frantically reports to an unseen Mrs. Stockwell, and I think that only brings us to the episode’s halfway mark.
Were “The Night They Raided Bradfords” remade in the modern era, more might be made of Tommy’s bondage gear and the USDA Choice tattoo drawn on his arm with a pen. Linda Mae might’ve sensed the vile (and slightly arousing) specter of lesbianism somewhere, either by misinterpreting Mary’s CPR homework, which is practiced in a bedroom, or reading too much into Abby and Janet’s chumminess (they’re inseparable early in season four). This being the last gasp of hokey ’70s TV humor, it’s hiccups that pass for hilarity instead.
As quaint as these gags are, the premise of several would still hold up today. It’s Linda Mae, an all-time dreadful character, and West’s grating performance, that make “Bradfords” as dated as the garish poker shirts worn by Tom and Dr. Maxwell. A glutton for punishment, I took a dozen or more screen caps of her reactions (one is shared above) and might work them into future posts where appropriate. One of my siblings does something insane? Time for Linda Mae. Dog-eating makes it into the vice-presidential debate? Linda Mae’s got us covered.
* Mary’s affair only gets one episode, though it could’ve sustained two more easily than Tom’s family reunion or David’s fear of commitment.